Friday, January 25, 2013

Choosing your Survival Team Leader for the Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Friday: Survival Team Leader Selection

Now that you've had a few weeks to consider your Zombie killing partner,
it's time to move on,

it's time to find your Survival Team Leader!

And now you're thinking to yourself:
"Aw, Shit-sticks, I never realized the dynamics of planning to survive the Zombie Apocalypse! It's so in-depth, there's so many choices!"

That's OK

There's still time. 

So, who will you choose?




 (let's say before he went cray-cray, season 1)



Truth be told, don't follow me, I'm definitely not the leader type.

Call my name if you're partner is choking on a zombie-apocalypse-squirrel-meatball, 

I'm trained in the Heimlich.

Call me if your partner needs CPR, 

or a wound to bandaged...

I'm more of the sarcastic loner type, definitely not leader material.

 And I'm pretty sure the last time I actually performed the task of running was back in 2002. 


So if those zombies can travel faster than a rascal scooter

I'm done for :(

Monday, January 21, 2013

The First-Draft Blues. Almost done with that novel? Or so you thought.

One Writer's Dilemma: The First-Draft Blues.

You know that point you get to when you're writing this great story, 
and you know what's going to happen next, 
you can see the ending, 
you can feel it 
and you want to hurryupandwriteit!

So you scramble, write it all down, 
you drink like 8 cups of coffee and 
write as fast as your little fingertips can manage, until they have blisters!

and then your done!

Right! Right! Yay!

Except your word count is too short.
and you forgot about that one really important scene
and you forgot about Bob, he hasn't been seen in four chapters
and on 
and on
and on


But you don't care, because your first draft is done!
Victory is yours!!
And you have a growing list of other novels you really want to get started on.

So you have your proof-reader take a look,
Maybe it's your spouse or your best friend.

And you pace around their back while they read, and you stare at their face and try to figure out what they're thinking. 

And they say: 

"What happened to Bob? Did he die or something?" 
"Wasn't there some really important relic you were chasing around? Where did it go?" 
"I thought you were going to put some sex-ing in this, I'm left feeling so... tense."

What you really wanted them to say was: "This is Amaze-balls!"

But instead they're like:

Enter sadness and the First-Draft Blues.

What do you do?

Hang on!

I go back to the beginning and start editing. Just knowing that the novel is almost complete is enough to settle the rising excitement/anxiety/panic/relief feelings. 

And this is the stage I'm at now. 

Which explains how that entire bottle of wine got drank last night. 

And now my liver is crying.

Friday, January 18, 2013

How is your government preparing for Zombies?

Zombie Friday: How is your government preparing for the Zombies?

If you live in the good 'ole U.S. of A our government has done nothing more than ignore the possibility of the Zombie Apocalypse

Actually, they have done a little preparing:

Zombie Preparedness

(So I must eat the crow...)

But, lets continue because there is more Zombie awesomeness below!

They were nice enough to post on their blog that the Mayan Apocalypse was a no-go.

But Zombies? 

We have yet to hear what our elected officials are thinking.
(I don't count the CDC as elected officials)

This is why British Columbia just went up a notch in my book:

There it is my friends. 

A country preparing their residents.

Maybe it is a late-to-the-party effort, but it's still fun!

Monday, January 14, 2013

The troubles of a small town

Small towns are great places to live. 
The sense of Community is strong
Neighbors help neighbors
everyone knows everyone
but small towns breed one thing...

Don't believe me, take a glance below:

Yes my friends, that is what we woke up to today.

An 8 ft Christmas tree, deposited on our front porch!

I'd like to say we laughed about it, but we didn't, because this monstrosity was pushed flush with the door so we couldn't get out. 

It's bad enough all my wonderful snow melted and
we had to take the back door and walk through the mud. 

So, Thank You small town douches.

I hope this new year brings you what you truly deserve, 
antibiotic-resistant syphilis
or an opossum-cat with rabies.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Zombie Friday: Things to Consider when Choosing your Zombie Killing Partner

Are you searching for true love? The one to spend the rest of your life with? Your soul-mate?

Forget that shit, 

what you need to find is your Zombie killing partner!

Time is running out

Think about it people:

When that horde of Zombie's in banging on your door, are you going to turn to the person next to you and reminisce about how great they can cook a pot of spaghetti, or how wonderfully they get along with your parents, or how your cat loves them?


You're going to want to know how well they can reload a shotgun!

You're going to want to know if they've got your back when you're running from hideout to hideout

You're going to want to know if they can blast the head off that silent-as-hell zombie looming behind your back without hitting you


And sorry Kitty, you're bait.

Don't get down and sad at the thought of never having the time to find your true love.


There's still hope

just look at Glenn and Maggie

and Daryl....

That's proof enough that all romanticism won't disappear once the Zombies take over the world.

Lucky for me I've already secured my partner.


So, once you've secured your partner,
don't forget
you need guns

Support your Second Amendment Rights!

Monday, January 7, 2013

One Writer's Dilemma: Dreams and true meanings

The other night I had a dream about Richard Branson

you know him, 

the Virgin Entrepreneur.

I have no idea why he was in my dream, but he was.

And he was working at my local post office.

 I was mailing out a manuscript.

He left his office and greeted me,

(of all people me!)

Then he brought me to the parking lot and gave me the keys to a new car!

Now I'm sure you're expecting he gave me the car of my dreams? 




He gave me the keys to a '67 Chevy Impala...

Not really the car of my dreams 

(Envision a Chevy Tahoe Hybrid, I'm serious)

Now you may ask, was it so nice, and beautiful, and gleaming?
Did it have that new-car-smell?



It was dusty, and scratched, and smelled like dead-unicorn hooves.

Yeah, that's it right there, but in grey.

 In my dream, I didn't even want to accept the car from Richard Branson

I even remember looking longingly back at my Jeep

But you don't deny a gift from Richard Branson!

So I got in the car and drove it home.

--End of dream--

So what did this dream tell me:

I have a few ideas:
  1. Richard Branson is a poor gift giver?
  2. I shouldn't drink so much rum before going to bed
  3. "Winning" has it's downsides
  4. I am truly unstable 
  5. If we are reaching for a goal, which may at times seem unattainable, a rich man named Branson isn't going to hand it to us,it is not simply going to fall in our lap, if it does, be wary. Goals and dreams are only attained by blood,sweat,tears,determination and hard work.

Now, had the Impala came looking like this :

(include Supernatural eye-candy) 

I would have woken up a little more accepting of Richard Branson's gift

and not racking my brain as to what REALLY happened in my brain that night.

Tell me your crazed dreams.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Zombie Friday: The Ultimate Battle Royal

So, I love me a good zombie show/movie/game/book

but seriously the market seems to be a little flooded right now 
and all the same characters keep popping up:

There's the Rick hero

The bad guy douche

The damsel in distress

The dumb kid doing dumb stuff

The dumb chick doing dumb stuff

I am SO ready for something else!

(Don't get me wrong I LOVE The Walking Dead)

My zombie loving heart desires something more

I need some choke-on-that-popcorn-zombie-awesomeness

So that is why I'm moving on to explore a new chapter in the Zombie Genre
I'm starting the year off right

I don't know how I ever missed this shit.
And I usually don't review anything before I read it but I can just feel it in my Zombie-loving-bones that this is going to be epic

Anyways, I'm buying it right now on my Kindle

I'll let you know if it's as awesome as the fine artwork

Thursday, January 3, 2013

One Writer's Dilemma: New Year's Resolutions

Usually I don't bother with resolutions, not because I don't follow them 
(unless it has to do with losing weight or eating less, those one's I always fail on), 
 it's because every year of my life I've always had professional and personal goals I've wanted to achieve. And each year I manage to achieve them.

But this year I've seen a lot of people saying they aren't going to be jealous of others success.

Reading this causes my right eye to twitch just a little


Because I'm going to be jealous as shit of other people's success


I'm not going to sit back and smile and nod 

and say things like 
"That's great" or "Good for them" 
and go on my merry way.

No sir ye Bob.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be happy for their success.

Then I'm going to go home and work my tush off so I can be successful too.

No that doesn't include a clean bathroom, or fridge, or that mold being removed from around my dishwasher, or picking up the dog poop everyday in the backyard so my husband doesn't step in it.

Seriously, no one ever became successful because they were simply happy for other people. 
They became successful because they wanted that same success, they craved it, and dwelled upon it, and wrote about it, and dreamed about it, and let it tear a ulcer in their gut. Then they took some Pepcid and got on with it! 

It's those people who can harness the energy of jealousy and turn it into something wonderful, who become successful themselves.

Think about it:


Example 1:

T-Rex didn't rise to the top of the food chain because he was "happy" for the Velociraptor's success of taking down that Stegosaurus. 
Hell NO! 
T-rex pulled up the sleeves on his tiny little arms and got in there, he was so jealous of that Velociraptor he stole that shit and ate it. That's how T-Rex got his success. 


Example 2:

Unicorn Man didn't become Unicorn Man by being so happy and joyful for the other unicorn people, did he? 
Hell NO!
Unicorn man took it upon himself to harness his jealous energy and make something so awesome we are all without words:

(see you're freaking speechless!!!)

That's how you rise to the top of the food chain my friends. 

You let that jealousy brew within your cold, dead little heart until something amazing happens!

It's good to be jealous. That's the truth. I read it on the internet.

So while you're putting together your New Year's Resolutions add a little jealousy in there

be a T-Rex

be Unicorn Man